Keeping the dream alive.

Haven't been blogging for what seem like donkey years.
right.
started work yesterday..as a receptionist.
and at first it was kinda daunting..
with the switchboard with manymanymany buttons.
but then.
it got really really really boring.
so.
i ended up lugging 2 books to work today to entertain myself.
and i really couldn't take it anymore.
and i tried using the old pw that was functioning from the previous 6mths.
and i managed to get into the system!
and i'm connected to the world wide web!
-happiness-
i was reading up tons on greek mythology and stuff today.
and..it's mightly interesting.
and yet very hmmm.
ah wells..
i guess that's what myths are all about.
all the incestous behaviour and such.

anyway.
my rubbish-y problem came back with a vengence.
or maybe my resolve is super weak.
:(
ah wells.
one more day as a recept and a week at the lab.
and 3 days as a secretary.
-shrugs-
moolah.

I start work next week.
and i reckon..
i promise to go for cell during that period at least la.
feeling kinda bad for not going last night.
didn't check the mails until this morning.
and was waiting for my results to come out and stuff too.
nyeh.

anyway.
my life's kinda messy at the moment.
as in..
sometimes it seems messy..
sometimes it seems not-so-bad.

what jamie has been doing recently.
very recently.
maple story-ing.
and.
surfing the web for baby stuff.
baby clothes.
baby names.
baby toys.
baby everything.
cuz..my little niece is gonna come out soon! like..
2 months time?
and.
cooking.
i'm the official maid at home.
i cook.
i vacumm.
i do the laundry.
and.
up till last night.
American Idol.
and.
some other rubbish stuff.

bah.
oh wells.

and i'm getting paid at a lower rate than what i got during my intern!
and it's the same company somemore..
:(
a 100bucks lesser
:(

I've decided..
and I'm damm blardy determined.
The heart loses.
The brain's correct.

I'm a brain person la.
the stupidest move i made was..
I shut Him out.
darn it.
I totally shut His voice out and assumed that I could handle it myself.
which obviously..
as what's happening now..
I can't do it alone.

so..
well..yeah..
The Brain is Correct.

a couple of weeks back..
breakthrough missions came over and shared their testimony and stuff at service.
and the other day.
i saw one of the guys at the bank..
and i was like..Woah.
it's like seeing a celebrity of some sort i reckon.
kinda exciting.

anyway.
i got maple story up and running on the desktop.
yay!!

and then.
Jing is logical.
I need to think logically.
Super hard in this situation.
but i must i must.
:(

i'm looking at quotes from CS. Lewis.
and there's some pretty good ones.

"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love."
--The Problem of Pain

"To be discontinuous from God as I am discontinuous from you would be annihilation."
--Letters to Malcolm

"Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it."
--The World's Last Night

"A young man who wishes to remain a sound Atheist cannot be too careful of his reading. There are traps everywhere--'Bibles laid open, millions of surprises,' as Herbert says, 'fine nets and stratagems.' God is, if I may say it, very unscrupulous."
--Surprised by Joy

"God has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense."
--The Problem of Pain

"'We do not truly see light, we only see slower things lit by it, so that for us light is on the edge--the last thing we know before things become too swift for us.'"
--Out of the Silent Planet

"These things are not strange, Small One, though they are beyond our senses."
--Out of the Silent Planet

It's moments like this.
that i miss my twin.
and she's in the phillipines!
on missions.
WHY WHY WHY.
:(
i need her to be the logical voice in my head.
especially when i'm feeling oh-so-illogical right now.
she understands me la..
without me even trying to explain how i feel.
i know why she understands me.
because she was telling me all about it sometime during the past sem.
see.
she understands.
where is she?
how am i supposed to tahan until the 16th of june? before she even gets back here?
darn.
i oughta have met up with her before she left lar.
stupid procrastination.
:(
grrrr.

i so feel like directly asking the question.
'Eh..so...do you like me ernot?'
GAH.

i'm mental.

anyway..
in other news
Congrats to Winfrid Wong something something!
for FINALLY getting into NUS
after 3 years of trying!
this is what i call perseverance man!
gosh!
good job bro!
i'll see u there for 1 sem before i finally leave.
:)

Elliott's out.
And for the first time..
i actually shed tears for AMI..
because i so seriously feel that he deserves it.
He's hugely talented and everything.
His entire life..
the video they made touched me.
from the small town boy who had to work in the pharmacy..
to the top 3 of AMI.
that's a long way.
and i'm proud of him.
He deserves to be in the finals.
even tho he didn't get that shot.
but he's a star!
:)
no wonder i fell for him right from the start.

check this out.
from rickey.org
Elliott Yamin - A Song For You

p.s the tagboard's a lil' screwed.
so..
Yo Brudder!
Yo Stalker! :D

Argh.
Stop getting under my skin!
so hard to resist.

Border's is fun.
I'm 1/4 thru The Tipping Point.
real interesting read.

I'm 1/2 thru To Kill A Mockingbird.
and it's really nice.
not boring.
unlike some literature books.

So there i was with my 'intellectual' book.
and there this grandfatherly ah pek was next to me with his comic book.
and we sat there.
and flipped.
and flipped.
and flipped.
and he didn't even let out a chuckle.
the comic book must be quite horrid.
-shrugs-

I know i hate someone.
But i've got no idea who..
it's just the feeling's so so strong.
:(
sometimes.
i really hate life.

As usual..
from the many rubbish that i read online..
there are always some interesting bits and new stuff.
like..

Should you wed the first person you fall for?
How many people should you wine and dine before you can feel confident enough to say you’ve met your one and only? Believe it or not, mathematics has the answer: A dozen. “Check out and reject 12 people, then pick the next best that comes along, and you’re likely to have a very good match on your hands,” says Clio Cresswell, a mathematician and author of Mathematics and Sex. That’s because when it comes to decision-making, formulas reveal that your chances of picking the right answer improve as you expose yourself to more options. But there does come a point when you are over-researching: If you date and reject 30 or more potential mates, “you've probably met someone that you could possibly have been more than happy with, and passed them over,’ notes Cresswell.
-msn articles-

and.
MI 3 ROCKS.
:)

I reckon..
the brain already knows the answer, but the heart refuses to acknowledge it.

Spent a good few hours alone at the esplanade's library doing some research.
and surprisingly..
i enjoyed it.
being alone.
with thick thick books filled with scandals and what-nots.
i mean...whoever knew that composers have sooo many scandals.
like they'll write this piece of music for this frau and that frau etc.
gosh.

went to the company yesterday morning too.
met so many familiar faces.
-happy-
and i might get a temp job over there for a couple of days.
doing admin work..in another department.
-shrugs-
we'll see.

was walking down the fullerton and smelling the sea breeze after so long.
and it's good.
watching tourists posing with shots of the merlion..
i love watching people.
to watch, to observe, to imagine.

and that makes me wonder.
are you watching the exhibit, or are you the exhibit?
i mean..
you could always be watching someone..and yet...there might be someone else watching you..and another person might be watching him and it's a chain of neverending possibilities.

just the other day...i was on the bus heading to town..
and i was just observing..
in the bus at any one point..there's approx 3/5 of the total population in that particular bus plugging into earphones/headphones of some sort.
might be the radio, mp3, ipod whatever.
and..they are just absorbed in their own world.
Me and my music..and maybe my book/mag/whatever.
and there's this sign on the door saying 'Do Not Disturb'
and they shut the world out..or prolly they decided to shut themselves in.
it's all about perspective i reckon.
-shrugs-

in rubbish news.
AMI is sooooo rubbishly exciting now.
I really don't want Mcphee to leave, but she's really kinda bad tonight.
But Elliot is really really HOT.
and he's grown hotter throughout the season!
i mean..look at the pre-idol photos!
golly gosh.
but Taylor has quite a huge fanbase and stuff.
Gah.
makes you really wonder what this competition is about.
Is it one that makes the already popular even more famous?
or is it one that gives the one with talent a shot at stardom?
i'm superbly tired.

have you ever experienced having your heart and brain collide over some issues?
like how you know the 'right' thing to do..and yet you just think about..'what if..'
and that leads to a whole avalanche of 'what ifs..' and doing the 'right' thing isn't all that appealing anymore..
perhaps i'm overtly complicating matters..afterall..that's what i usually do.
i almost always run through the whole 'worst case scenario' mentally.
and work backwards.
now..it really ain't the worst case scenario part which is killing me..then again..it's not really killing me literally..
rather it's the heart vs head issue which is the struggle here.
i can't decide.
i've got opinions from many many friends.
people whom i do listen to..
but the views are differing too.
and from each viewpoint.
i see different facets of the problem..which makes it even more hard to choose.
each has their own set of pros and cons.
maybe it's just because i'm unable to 'sacrifice' this con for the other pros..
because no one knows what problems this 'con' would unleash in the future.
the head is trying to think it through logically even though it already has an answer right from the start.
plus..i don't need added complications at this moment.
and it's gonna make things so much easier if everyone just wore their feelings on their sleeves.
there won't be a need to second guess any words or any actions by another.
i dislike second guessing.
because mentally..i'll go...what if i guess wrongly?
and that's why mindsweeper gives me a kick..because i'll always go after clicking a square...but what it this is/is not the bomb?

a dear friend said just now..
why don't you go for option 3...
and let that be the one between option 1 and 2..
a merger of both good qualities of some sort.
i wish it were so easy.
:(

darn.

I need a job.
it's only been like what..
3 days..
and my parents are nagging for me to find work.
plus.
i'm bored at home already.
gosh.
super tired.
argh.

I went for facial today.
Super happy.
Met sybs.
had not-that-nice noodles.
but nice xiaolongpau and stuff.
rights.

i'm so tired and confused.

The cousin is preggers.
like.
since forever.
heh.
and she's been keeping the gender of the baby to herself!
she refuses to tell anyone!
even her hubs doesn't know..
they refer to the baby as..'Sweetheart'
O__o
i had to resort to analysing the shape of the bump..
which was pretty inaccurate..since i've got no idea what constitutes as a sharp pointed bump.
plus..i have no idea if that means it's a boy or girl.
-shrugs-
my grandma asked if she had any particular cravings...prawns etc.
and tried to analyse from that angle.
but she just wouldn't tell us!
man...
but she finally caved in last week.
it's a GIRL!!!
:D
my pretty pretty niece to be!
so prettttttyyy
tho i've never even seen her.
not even the scan.
rights.

i wanted to get her this..
Ipopmybaby
but even after daph offered her sister's services of carrying it back...
it's super ex lar..
after conversion and stuff i reckon it's around 50bucks.
for a piece of baby suit.
-dies-

sooo.
currently..
i'm planning to make one of my own...
find some ultra small size t-shirts.
:)
ladeeda.
should be quite easy lar.
i hope.

so weird...
how come the average masculinity is slightly more than average femininity?
rights..

and i'm starting to get bored with freedom.
facial later!!
WOOHOOO.
happy happy! :D

I'm Free!!
and we're back in business!
and...
I'm freee...
freedom smells sweeeeet
:)

today's paper was kinda hard.
and i was stupid.
i drank a whole lot of water before the paper right..
cuz of nervousness and stuff..
and then..
my bladder felt like it was gonna explode like at 245pm.
and the paper ends at 3pm.
and the last 15mins of the paper...you aren't allowed to leave the room.
so..
rights.
and i was scribbling madly...cuz i was trying to clear the questions that i'm not too sure of..
rights...
then at 2.59pm!
i caved in.
I asked to go to the toilet..
and obviously was denied.
duh.
but i didn't know it was 2.59 until after the exam when my friend told me..
so..
i was like a speeding bullet and all..
and yeah.
i'm cool.
took the bus to holland V for no apparent reason as well.
-shrugs-
i just had to roam free for a while.
yeah..
anyway..
the main point is..

MY APPOINTMENT BOOK FOR MAY-AUGUST SEASON IS NOW OPEN.
u can call me to book an appointment.
:)

I love you guys!

Prayers totally needed.
Last paper
Polymer II
4th May 2006
1PM
LT26
Seat Number 9

thank you!! :)

I'm so tired...
one more paper left now..
this thursday..
and it's close book
and it's polymer chemistry II
which is like organic chemistry only alot more stuff.
i hate memorizing this...
so many equations..
the chemical ones..
and the calculation equations..
too much stuff la..
sigh...
:(
please pray.