Keeping the dream alive.

haven't spoken to stalker for eons and eons and eons.
I miss her!


forbidden love says:
dear GOd i pray that stalkee stops being smelly and gets out of swimming in vomit. may the whalpo(-.-) get gastrointestinal problems and puke weird stuff out. amen

the story of Jonah and the whale?
yeah.
i want a pet whale.
24-7
saves me plenty of time and trouble.
but she thinks a pet whale is too troublesome.
so..
i want a pet hippo.
but calling it a hippo/whale is too mafan.
so..
i want a whalpo.
:)
gimme gimme gimme!

taken off liwei's blog.

you think of silly things when you lose the focus off Him.
everyone knows something about you,
only some know everything about you;
sometimes none.
sometimes you just needed to know there is someone there for you,
sometimes it really doesnt matter,
but still it does.

My fingers hurt from maple-ing too much.
damm pain.

i'm fine now.
just had to take a day off to regroup.

lest anyone thinks that the whole fiasco the other night because of somebody.
erm...after thinking it through..
that's not true.
tho...that would be the contributing spark that let to the flames...but not the main reason for it to happen.
i reckon..it happened because..
the friends i called didn't even pick up their phones.
like..
i called about 5 people.
none answered.
and it got super frustrating.
pete answered his tho. but he's in camp.
so.
you get to the point where..
you just feel alone.
and i reckon that was that.
so.

i'm fine now.
regrouped already.
and i won't be cold shoulder-ing anyone.

The thing is..
When i get pissed.
there's usually 2 responses from me.
1) Walk away.
2) Go head-on into conflict.

Scenario 1 happens when the other party is a friend, someone i care about.
Because...in a conflict, i can't promise that i will be able to have an arguement without ending up hurting the other.
cuz..in a conflict...someone usually gets hurt.
so...if you're a friend, someone i care about...
i rather walk away.
i'll be pissed.
but i'll walk and not say something that i might end up regretting.
dammit.

i effing hate myself sometimes.

This post may sound melodramatic.
but i don't give 2 shits about it.
because this is my blog.

1. I hate it when people turn up late for appointments. (special clearances for perpetually late friends such as calyn and pam etc.)
2. I hate it when there's a change of plans. I have an anal need to know roughly the plan of the day.
3. I hate it when i get blow off. Effing hate it.

I hate this.

I've got a effing headache now.
No one to blame but myself.
Had a couple of bottles of beer in a short span of time.
Darn it.
I even missed my stop because of it. ended up having a longer walk home than necessary.

Perhaps this whole thing started when I needed a friend to rant to.
And no one picked up their phones.
Wanted to just bugger off to pete's place and help myself to the vodka stash.
but he's at camp.
darn reservist.
ended up not having dinner. finished a nora roberts novel at a disgustingly uncomfortable bench at borders for a couple of hours.

I think know i've fallen off the bandwagon.

I chose to turn away from You for some matters.
and now.
I'm stuck in nowhere.

I just hate this bleeding time now.
Erase today please.
Thank you.

First things first..
I'm back from bali.
:)
the spa and massages i had were amazing!
woohooo.
the shopping was fine la..
all the same stuff..
-shrugs-
did plenty of walking tho..
and kuta beach was very nice.
unpolluted.
:)

anyhoo...
the germany vs. sweden match last night was gah!
conflict of interest..since i'm supporting brasil, deutschland and korea..which has already been ousted.
so..
brasil, deutschland und portugal.
:)
and i had to cheer for sweden.
O__o
because of a bet involving giving me 1 ball, and mos burgers.
:(
and i lost.
the next match with argentina and mexico too.
because i didn't want to support the underdogs twice in a row la..
so...i took argentina...and gave 2 balls..
and that's another burger lost.
:(

i'm going to recoup my burgers.
and there's still the lollypop finals with cal..
bleargh.

Nyeh.
I'm at the airport now..
kinda surreal..since i was here only yesterday..
at the arrivals..and today..
i'm at the departures.
will be gone for a couple of days..
hopefully will be able to swing in a couple of massages
:)

And we're back in business.
I've been away for like what?
a couple of weeks?
yeah.
anyway.
today's the last day at work..was supposed to be yesterday..but the GM asked me to stay for another day..
-shrugs-
I'm popular..what to do?
heh.
anyway...
this stint at the sales dept as secretary was boring man.
they pay me to answer the calls..simple enquires..fax documents..and surf the net..
basically paying me to bum around.
-shrugs-
easy money.
will be going back in july again.
i think.

anyway..
the laptop's back from the shop.
plus world cup's on every night.
i so need to tell u guys about the korea match.
I was there.
In the sea of Koreans.
:)
at Fort Canning.
:))))
some event organized by the korean embassy..
so cool.
anyhow..
am rushing off to granny's b'day bash.
will be back later.
toodles.

took this from janice's blog.
it's super touching.


This video is about a father's love to his son and which pushed him to enter the triathlon games even though he's not an athlete....Imagine what God can do.

I'm cured i reckon.
I'm in love with the idea of being in love.
and that's all i guess.
:)

so...
yeah..
that thought struck me while i was walking from the lab to the factory.
:)
heh.

Almost managed to con 10bucks from my bengster kor.
cuz he got himself a promotion.
:)
and i was bugging him to treat me kopi or something.
and he's kinda busy these days..so he wanted to pass me 10bucks..
and i grab myself a cuppa...and return him back the change.
but..
i was telling him that they DO sell coffees that cost 10buckeroos per cup.
and he was like O____O
heh.
recap.
bengster kor's from m'sia.
has 2 kids..
is only..27+1.. 28..
rights.
so..obviously he isn't one of those who would be willing to fork out 10bucks for a cuppa.
haha.
so..i didn't get my coffee la..
altho he said that we'll go makan out on thursday/friday.
we'll see.
:)
(but..obviously i won't con his cash. for one..it's hard earned. next...he has 2 young kids..and prolly no more savings..with housing loans..car loans to settle and all..)

Next up.
My favourite production worker uncle is in hospital with a heart bypass.
:(
sigh..
i hope he's doing fine.
he had the op today.
still haven't gone to visit him yet.
:(
oh wells..
:(

I'm feeling much better.
I don't exactly know why that's so..
but..
I kinda have a feeling what's happening around me now.
don't feel all THAT lost.
we'll see how it goes.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Tomorrow's another work day.
The start of my last week at the lab..
at least for the month of june.
they might be getting me back during july..
tho nothing's confirmed yet.
It's like doing reservist training.
O___o
I'm super tired.
Slept super late last night while talking to JB.

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

No wonder he's one of my besties.
He knows exactly what's my weakness.
maybe it's because of all the training i've been giving him ever since we were 14..
he, on the other hand, trains me to use my senses.
I'm a vocal person.
A heart-on-the-sleeve person..especially if i'm on good terms to you.
I let people into my heart easily.
It's just the inner recesses which are harder to reach.
but still.
He's a listener.
He doesn't voice his emotions out...unlike me.
and that makes me learn to read him.
to read between the lines.
to sense things that aren't said.
and..
i reckon we complement each other.
:)

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

I had a couple of glasses of vino tonight..
A Moselle i believe.
very good stuff.
German white wines rule.
<33333

went up to malaysia to buy seafood today.
err..yeah.
-shrugs-
cooked curry crabs and prawns and fish for dinner.
and yeah.

i think i'm currently in a rebellious phase.
i just have this urge of rebelling..even tho i know what i'm doing is wrong.
but.
the urge is just there.
and i don't know..
:(

The Sky Is Falling.

I'm feeling quite grossed out by myself.
and the people that i want to rant to just aren't around at the moment or free or anything.
no offense but..
sometimes i want to rant to people who won't tell me what's right and what i should do.
because they know that i already know what i ought to do.
and they respect that i just need an outlet to rant and rant and rant.
and they won't judge me for my selfish actions and yeah.
i really don't need advice you see..
I just need a willing ear.

I just need a friend who cares.

Anyway.
remember the horrible girl i was ranting about last year in my lab?
Turns out that she's not the horriblest there now.
this other girl who looks harmless.
She's the worst.
Because of her...she managed to make my day shiet.
I knew her ever since i started my intern.
and she was fine..real fine..until i've got no idea when..
she PMS-ed on me.
so..
i dao her back lar.
i don't see a point trying to strike small talk again and again when all i'm gonna get is one word answers.
-shrugs-
so..that was then.
apparently..it's still the same this year..
they've got a new malay girl...
and tho i've never met her till yesterday...
she's so much nicer and friendlier than the other woman.
and i initiated small talk and got 1 word answers again.
i give up.
I'm gonna give her the polite stranger treatment..
which consists of thank yous and pleases in every single statement.
i mean...if that's the way you want it...you've got it.
i can always talk to others.
i'm pretty well liked there ok..

this guy, ok ok, says that i'm very nice.
and he told that to my boss..heh..not me..
so funny.
and yeah.
i'm popular lar..among the aunties and uncles.
everyone still remembers me.
because..i feel that..everyone deserves basic courtesy and respect.
regardless of where you come from..and what you do.
so unless you're damm bleeding rude.
i'll be polite and nice to you..
and with people that i can joke around with and am comfortable with..
i would be extra nice to them.
i'll offer them sweets and stuff.
i mean..their situations are pretty rough.
with familes and young kids to support and getting measly amounts of money..just because they're lowly educated and are factory workers..
seriously..for all their sweat and blood..they're paid even lesser than the super easy and cushy job of a receptionist.
who's basic job scope is to answer the calls and surf the internet.
i mean..
it's easy..i learnt all there is to learn in 30mins.
it's cushy..i don't have to move my legs at all if i didn't wanted to..
there's no one around watching my every move.
there's air con.
i get paid to surf the net and play games.
and still a temp receptionist earns more than them.

Life's not fair.

I lost that.
I realised that i've kinda lost passion for almost everything.
I just don't have the urge to run my fingers down the row of ivory and ebony keys.
I don't have the urge to pick up the camera and explore singapore taking photos.
I don't have the urge to do anything.
It's really bad.
when you feel that you don't have the urge to read the Bible or to spend time with Him.
I'm slacking. and i'm slacking real bad.
but because stupid Passion is hiding somewhere.
i just don't feel like doing anything about it.
I'm just stuck in this rut.
This daily routine of going to work.
Popping on a mask.
Wasting 10hours doing crap.
Coming back home.
gah.
and this has nothing to do with the previous entry whatsoever.
so don't even try to link them up.
No links.
most of the stuff i do now..
is really a..
i do it because it's expected of me.
Where is the passion?

I just feel so aimless and yeah.
hate it.

This whole saga has been going on for long enough.
I've seek inputs and gave outputs for so long until i think everyone just wants me to shuddup.
and i'm still confused.
Tonight.
A friend told me something kinda interesting.
You see..crys made me take this quiz last night..and it was something about the gender of your brain..
i'm apparently 80% female and 20% male..which can be interpreted as i think much more with the heart than the brain.
and i guess that's true.

Jing and co. have given me ample reasons as to why it shouldn't go on.
but these reasons speak out only to the brain.
when the brain is in control..i see the reason.
but sometimes..the heart just overwhelms the brain.
this whole brain-heart struggle is very tedious..and i'm pissed.
anyway. i digress.
this friend said something that spoke to the heart.
something about giving and recieving wrong signals.
and that made sense to the heart side of me as well.
so.
that's good.

anyway.
that brings me to something else.
I'm pissed.
I'm pissed with this whole 'sending the wrong signal' thing.
Why are people do this?
Do you think second guessing every single action of others is FUN?
It's a bleeding nightmare i tell you.
Is this some sort of a game?

Apparently it means nothing to go around 'muak-ing' members of the opposite sex.
and.
to me..
that's obviously a very very very wrong signal la.
so just stop doing it if you know that your actions can be very easily misinterpreted for something else.
bah.
he did it. and he said he did it. so it's common. (btw, the two he's are different people)

gah.
I've decided for the good of all.
I shall refrain from mentioning him or me or whatever, from this moment on.
so.
kindly refrain from asking about him or mentioning him to me..lest you make me start updating you on the going ons.

I think i heard enough takes on all sides of the story.

I reckon i'll only whinge to JB about it now.
cuz JB knows all and yet knows nothing.
plus he's been listening to all my whinge-ing since i was 14.
and is able to tahan and say almost always the right things.
Currently, the advice that has been almost given by all is..
wait till he gets back.
-shrugs-
we'll see.

/edit:
I do know what i should do.
I really do know.
So...really appreciate it..
but don't really have to repeat yourselves anymore.
:)
I get your point.
But i still have to make peace within myself.
and that's something i can only do myself.
and.
I just have to whinge lar.
And I AM NOT INFATUATED.
i may SEEM to be in that state of mind.
But trust me..i'm not like that when i'm alone.
it's because i'm seeking advice and a whinge-ing ear, hence behaving like that.
so.
let me be.
and i'll let you know what the outcome is.